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I used to like java, before I realized it was also a programming language. Now I don’t care for it very much. I’ve been driven to journaling my thoughts here again because typing seems to soothe me. I saved my time at work this morning to focus on my final Java project, and have spent almost two hours looking at it only to come away with some code that resembles little more than experimentation with the concepts I am supposed to be implementing. This assignment is the most difficult project of my academic career thus far.
Java has been challenging me in new and exhausting ways. Actually, computer science at NC State has been challenging me in new and exhausting ways, but lately Java seems to top the “challenging” list. Before NC State, I didn’t have to put very much effort into keeping my grades up. That was definitely both a blessing and a curse. The blessing was a 3.9 GPA before transfer. The curse was thinking school would always be that easy, or rather, not knowing how to handle classes that challenged my ability to think critically. Last semester began a process of growth for me, which is the beginnings of the inevitable step from boyhood to manhood. Coming into a university at 19 as a junior with a past of easy community college and living at home turned into 5 months of “what in the world have I gotten myself into?” I learned how scary it is to be faced with a problem that you realize you can’t figure out by yourself by receiving a Java assignment and not understanding how to do it.. I realized that you really have to spend time doing homework and studying in order to make A’s and B’s (even C’s and D’s) on tests. I learned how it feels to make a D on a math test, which was something I’d been blessed with never having to worry about before.
But the most amazing thing that I realized through all of this is how much the Lord has blessed me in ways I don’t deserve. I can’t see into the future but I can understand how some of the things that he has orchestrated in my life could work out for me in some amazing ways. For instance, he gave me grace last semester despite my inadequacy in calculus 3, by having the teacher curve my grade up from a C+ to a B+. He helped me to excel in physics and earn an A+ which really boosted my GPA. What is so amazing is that I already owe him my life, and yet he continues to bless me despite the pain that I bring him on a daily basis. That is a God of love, and that is my God.
Unfortunately, loving us doesn’t mean making our lives simplistic. In fact, following Christ is more of a challenge than choosing to reject him, so just because he loves us doesn’t mean our troubles vanish, and that is the hard lesson to learn. Right now, my trouble is this Java assignment. I literally feel like, despite the fact that I have work in other classes, the only thing standing between me and the end of the semester is this Java project. If I could finish it, I would be more motivated and eager to tackle the work in my other classes that pales in comparison to the difficulty of this assignment. I talked to God at length, asking him to help me with it, trying not to get anxious about it, and committing myself to devoting time to completing it. I’ve come to the conclusion that I can rest in the fact that as long as I’m giving every effort that I have into completing the assignment, I will receive the grade he wants me to have. Convincing myself not to stress over this project was difficult, but now that I’ve given it to him, I feel like I can really focus more on the project and less on the fact that I have no idea how to do it. My two hours spent on it this morning have really just resulted in a bunch of questions on how to implement certain concepts that I don’t understand. Though it doesn’t feel like it now, I know that is progress because I’ll be able to come back to the keyboard with answers to my questions. I know what I’ll be doing this weekend…
