Tick….tick….tick….

It seems like all I’ve heard latley is the clock ticking, in every way imagineable. Managing time is such a crappy part of being an adult. Actually, there are alot of crappy parts to being an adult, like having responsibility, having to make your own decisions, being responsible for your own mistakes… the list goes on. Maybe peter pan really had the right idea?

I received my new Java assignment tuesday. It already has me on edge and he only gave us half of it. My teacher claims that even with the new part added, it shouldn’t take us near as long as the first assignment–famous last words. This is the same teacher who absolutely wouldn’t budge on  getting the webCAT online submission system to work for this assignment. So, the clock ticks. T-minus 19 days, 7 of which are spring break days.

This weekend I’m going skiing, I’m incredibly excited about this fact and am looking foward to the trip in every possible way (found out it has been SNOWING up there the last few days.) Unfortunately the weekend off also entails a certain amount of homework that will not be progressed on over that period of time. Physics webassign, linear algebra webassign/midterm, discrete math homework with some ridiculous proofs, and finally, my java programming assignment which will loom like a shadow over my life for the next 20 days. So needless to say I have got to do as much of that as I can today and tomorrow before leaving for the mountains, because I’m not letting myself worry about the crap that is homework while I’m there, I’m going to enjoy the retreat as well as the skiing to the fullest of my capabilities. But as long as that homework remains unfinished, the clock ticks away the seconds, reminding me with every minute that I may not get all of these things done.

And sleep. In no clearer way can I speak of the tickage of clocks than regaurding sleep, this thanks to my roomate. It’s funny, because I was telling somebody tuesday night how I appreciated him tuesday–he quietly came into the room, realizing I was asleep, and used his cell phone as a light, got some stuff and left–I didn’t hear him come in later because I was asleep. Lastnight, different story. He waltzed in at about 10:15, did something, then left. Then at 10:30, waltzed in, did something, then left. Then at 11:15, waltzed in, did something, then left. Each time with the thunderous entrance that is granted by our squeaky front door and the traffic outside, and each time with the back light being switched on so he could do whatever he was doing with a flooding of light that does not accomodate the sleeper.  I know it’s his room, that his stuff is in there, that he can come and go as he pleases, but that door is extremely loud (as im sure he knows when I leave at 4AM) and the fact that he came in 3 different times really began to aggravate me. The worst part is, I was about to doze off right before the first time, so when he came in, it kicked me into wakefullness and I completely lost that chance to fall asleep. I stopped looking at the clock because I realized that if I focus on how much time has passed, I only keep myself awake thinking about how much sleep I’m losing. So my strategy is, if I go to bed at 9, as long as I don’t look at the clock, I get 7 hours of sleep. So instead of looking at the clock, I just listened to it, ticking away the hours, until I eventually fell asleep. I awoke to my alarm at 3:45, and now I’m sitting at work, having just read my Bible and journaled some thoughts, and decided to blog, mainly so I can just get my thoughts out on “paper” because it helps me to organize them.

Something else this Java assignment is renewing in my stewing pot of thoughts is my consideration of…… what in the HECK I’m doing at NC State in computer science?!? Not because that’s how I feel about it in the long term, but it’s the thought that comes into my mind when I think of my ability, or “inability” to program. There are pieces of this that are both true and untrue, mostly untrue, but I let myself hold on to the little bits that are true, like the fact that even though I got my program working, there’s one crucial part that the TA had to do for me that I still don’t understand, and there was also one part of the program that I didn’t get to work correctly. I did, however, come out of my huge investment in time with a functional program that performed according to specifications and taught me much about the details of design and programming (though that knowledge only scored me an 82 on the test.) Basically I guess the point of saying all this is that I often find myself doubting whether this is really what I should be doing for the rest of my life. I want to enjoy it but I can’t because I feel so stressed out about having to get it done, that I can’t take the time to enjoy the fact that I’m programming. It’s like I can’t figuire out whether I really want to spend the rest of my life programming or not, but at this point I’m too far in to pull out. If I did, and switched majors, I’d basically be throwing away the last year of my life and all the money I put towards it, because my ‘new’ major would probably not require 90% of the classes I have taken. I just feel like the stress I’m feeling in school about it may cross over to stress in a work situation, and that makes my  goal of graduating from here seem pointless, but I know there is a balance between feeling stressed and burned out and genuinley hating your major and needing to change. I don’t genuinley hate my major, I just severely dislike the stress it is supplying to my life right now. Part of me really wishes I could just drop school and spend my time reading the Bible and listening to sermons all day, because that’s one of the few places where I can find true peace, and it’s somewhere I find myself wanting to be more and more of the time, but I realize that God calls some christians into the workforce, which is where I’m headed–and that I have to find away to grow in real ways, even when I’m having to spend so much of my time working and I’m not able to spend very much of it studying scripture or praying.

I think that’s enough for this morning, I’m at almost 1200 words and I don’t want to push this, this is like a 4 page paper, double spaced….12 point font…..

Afternoon Thoughts

Two posts in one day, not sure what the reason for this sudden surge of activity is. When I’m feeling certain things I think it’s easier for me to lay them out here, and that way I know it’s available for the whole world to see, and yet few if any people know if this pages existence.

I couldn’t sleep lastnight. I tried going to bed at about 9:30 pm, and laid there until my roommate came in at about 11:15, made a lot of noise, and left again. I fell asleep sometime after that and woke up at 3:45 to go work. While at work, I had very little do to, few possibilities to screw up… the only thing I had to do was check out 3 people from guest rooms, and yet I somehow managed to screw all 3 of them up. It was the same mistake on all 3, and I don’t think a serious mistake (like forgetting to put a receipt in the managers door or something) but I hate making mistakes, and I feel like a failure for screwing up something as easy as this job I have.

The real David feels just as many emotions as anyone else. People that know me know how emotional I can be, which I don’t find to be a good thing most of the time, unfortunately. I’m glad I can feel emotions, but they work so hard at clouding judgment and they accomplish that task SO unbelievably well.  Lately, I’ve been trying to shut out all my emotions toward everything and just work. School, work. I draw my comfort of the time I spend in prayer and reading the Bible. This morning, I spent a long time praying for a bunch of people I know and my family, it was really peaceful and I felt like I accomplished a lot through that time.

But emotions still make things difficult, like keeping you from knowing how to let somebody from an old relationship know you want to be friends, but you don’t know how to be just friends with them, and you know that you shouldn’t spend much time with them until you can figuire that out. For now, I just have to let my focus be school and let my emotions die down, while I seek the Lord’s guidance on how to deal with these things. I’m always trying to seek his will, but it’s difficult so much of the time…. I’m almost late for class, gotta run.

David “emotional” Wright

Early Morning Thoughts

There really are very few things in life that are truly good and enjoyable, and yet don’t take much effort.  One of those things that truly takes effort to be fulfilling is the Christian life.

 It doesn’t seem difficult at first… God gives us his grace freely, all we have to do is come to him realizing our sinfulness, believing that Jesus sacrificed himself for us, and willing to repent for our sins–and he extends his unmatchable grace to us through salvation. This gift is free to all and the true purpose of every human being put on this earth by God, though, sadly,  many never fulfill that purpose.

Then the difficulty begins… 

The responsibility of a Christian is embodied with two simple commands: 

 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” ( Mark 12:28-31).

 Though it’s difficult to see at first, these commandments really sum up all of the other commandments.  If we know that an action we take as a Christian takes falls under one of these categories, then we never have to worry about whether what we’re doing is right or not. Yet, as simple as this concept seems, actually living it out in our daily lives is the hardest thing for us to do as human beings. That’s why we fail so much of the time. When a christian realizes all that is summed up in these commandments,  it’s truly a humbling feeling to think about the responsibility of upholding them, at least for me.

John 14:23 Jesus answered and said to him, “If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our abode with him.

The primary way we love God is by following his commandments. The Bible has many instructions on how to live our lives as christians, and if we read the word to find these instructions, then follow them, putting ourselves in the center of his will, I believe we experience true fulfillment, and I also believe that is the only way for a human to experience true fulfillment in life–fulfillment that isn’t fleeting, like the “joy” brought by material possesions, drugs and alcohol, sex, and all those other things of this world that leave us so empty because they are all so temporary. 

I guess the point of all this is that I’ve been convicted of my need to implement these two commandments in a real way. A way that shows I have graduated from my belief being an extension of my parents teaching and made it truly my own, as I mature spiritually by studying the word and understanding what God is teaching through it. I am so thankful for my parents and the wisdom they both share in teaching me the way of life found through Jesus Christ, but I am even more glad that I have moved on to my spiritual maturity becoming my own responsibility, something they’ve been pushing me to do for some time.

One result of this spiritual growth is that I realize the call to love other people is one of the hardest things for me to do. Truly loving all people despite who they are, what they look like, how they treat you–shows a complete lack of selfishness, and this is something I wish to implement in my life. Since I’ve started thinking about this, I’ve come to realize how cynical and unloving I am sometimes towards certain people, mainly in my thoughts, but I let myself get bothered by little things and then realize I failed to show christian love. Even for simple, retarded things–like the other day when a few of us were waiting in line for the 360 in the learning commons for about 20 minutes, and a kid cut in line and wouldn’t let us play–I didn’t call him out for it, I accepted it and sat down to wait, but I fumed the whole time and complained to my friends and called him a “stupid freshman” or a “noob”. There really isn’t any excuse for behavior like that, I failed to show christian love towards him and that’s the end of the story.

If every person thought of everyone else before themselves, there really would be a lot less problems in this world. In fact, basically all problems in society would go away, because everybody’s needs would be met by the giving of others. The problem is that this will never happen–even among just the christian community, because we are all selfish and we all seek personal gain, asking for God to give us what we want…what makes us feel better, and expect to receive it before we can serve others. Just because it will never happen doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try. I think the place to start is in the church, by letting our whole focus be on loving God and others, and not asking for anything ourselves, because if you are serving others, God will bless you in ways unimaginable without you having to ask him for it, and that is where we can find true fulfillment. So as I start off on this new leg of my christian walk, trying my hardest to be conscious of the best way to show christian love to anyone I encounter in my life and ask less for God to bless ME and more for ME to bless OTHERS, I implore you, the reader (though none may ever read this), to seek to serve others before yourself. Worship God, serve others, and wait patiently for God’s blessing upon your life.

If you think about it, really… what do we have the right to ask him for anyway?  Praise God that he answers us even when we don’t deserve it!

Sunday Morning

It’s currently about 11:08, I’ve got  to leave for church in 12 minutes to get there on time…. and my roommate is still in the shower, which he entered at 10:45, now bridging on 25 minutes. Since I’m just sitting here waiting, I figured I’d write a post instead of stewing over the fact that every minute makes me that much later.

Pretty good weekend so far, friday night my sisters came up to visit, one of which has been in Russia for about 6 months, so it was good to see her. Friday after they left was a different story, I went and saw one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen. I’m not automatically prejudiced against chick flicks or anything, but this was literally one of the cheesiest movies I’ve ever seen in my life. I felt bad that Robin Williams has to have that movie chalked up on his record (though he played his roll perfectly, the movie just sucked.)  Yesterday I aimed to have homework done, but I didn’t actually accomplish very much unfortunately… that means I know what my afternoon will be until the superbowl party. I’m excited about that, it should be a blast. Have a good sunday everyone!

David